Have you ever felt like you wanted to just quit, and holler re-do, or just hit the reverse button on this life altogether?

I have!  It has been one of those days…… no weeks… months……. OK! really a couple of years.

Between finding out our youngest has some learning disabilities, a job loss ( still unemployed after 2yrs), being responsible for the care of my handicapped elderly mother, and now finding out that a 14yr  hope, dream and vision that we know God wants us to do,  appears to be on hold once again!  I have come to my wits end.

I am wondering; what’s the next step and where do we go? What do we do? What did we do wrong? My head is spinning with questions of uncertainty. What curriculum to use for my child now? Have I already screwed him up? How are we going to pay for the special curriculum? Am I really this bad of a parent? Will the next phone call I get be that my mother is gone?  What have I done so wrong that God has allowed me to go through this? The questions are endless and so are the accusations the devil flies at me.

I feel my family has been on a long journey, a wandering in the wilderness per say for the last 11yrs. All I want is a “normal” life.

So I go to the Word.  I open the bible to Joshua 5. Here are the children of Israel,  those promised the Promised Land.  They have wandered in the wilderness for 40yrs on the hope and dream of a promise their parents had only talked about.  All this generation knows is God’s provision, simply that God covers them with a cloud by day to keep them cool in the desert and provides a fire by night to keep them warm. Manna falls from the sky to feed them. All these people have known is God’s provision and that they have been promised a land flowing with milk and honey.

Think about it, all these people (about 2.5 million) and all but Caleb and Joshua, have now only eaten manna all their lives, they have known nothing but God’s provision for every part of their life. Every part of their day and night for the last 40 yrs, literally all their lives, has been about getting to the Promised Land. Now they have just crossed the Jordan River (on dry land, another provision of God) they can see the Promised Land and God tells them to make a camp,  celebrate the passover and get circumcised. They can see what God has promised them and the scripture says……

Joshua 5:12 And the manna ceased on the morrow after they had eaten of the old corn of the land; neither had the children of Israel manna any more; but they did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year.

THAT YEAR!!!! Really ???? Is it saying they waited a year???  A YEAR???? Seriously??? Here they are they can see what God has promised them and they have to sit there and look at it for a year. Not to mention the fact all their men have just been circumcised, makes them kind of a vulnerable spot to be in. I mean really I am sure not too many of them are going to feel like going out to war anytime soon.  Let alone how embarrassing this might have been to them.

I wonder, how many of us feel embarrassed about something in our past. Maybe it is something that you feel like you have failed at. Is it the feelings of  inadequacy  when teaching your children?  Is it a stupid mistake you made in your past? Maybe you handled a family situation badly, or you had a business deal gone wrong?

If you go back up and read Joshua 5:9 it says….

Joshua 5:9 And the LORD said unto Joshua, This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from off you…..

Some of the definitions for Reproach are:

1. to find fault with (a person, group, etc.); blame;

2. blame or censure conveyed in disapproval

3. disgrace, discredit, or blame incurred: to bring reproach on one’s family.

4. a cause or occasion of disgrace or discredit.

Maybe you have been made to feel ashamed by other people or your family because you homeschool. Maybe you blame yourself because you have a special needs child. Maybe you’re disgraced because what you dream of as a perfect life has not come to pass. Perhaps you blame yourself for some accident  you had no control over.

God says that He has removed the reproach from you. Before any of us can enter into our Promised Land we have to accept that forgiveness. Forget the shame that has been placed on us for whatever reason.  We have to realize that the best for us is just ahead. We are not washed up and our life is not over, we have a new beginning in front of us, if we will only accept it.

We can stand up and hold our heads high, we are children of God and the truth is that we are valuable to Him, we are His children. If you had a precious diamond ring that was perhaps passed down to you from your family and it had been valued as a priceless gem, would that gift be any less valuable if you got it a little dirty? Perhaps you dropped it in a mud puddle and you had to pick it up and clean it off… is it still a valuable precious gift to you? Of course it is! The same  with us; we are God’s precious gift  and maybe we have fallen in a mud puddle, maybe we have even been rolled over or stepped on, but we are still a priceless treasure to God. In the end when we stand before Him, do we want man’s approval or His?

Maybe you have been waiting on that “Promised Land”, whatever it is for you in your life, and it seems like once again you’re on hold.

The reassuring part to this story for me is threefold. 1.  God provides. The whole time, in the wilderness God provides. So no matter what we’re going through, whatever wilderness we may feel like we are in, God will provide. 2. They do make it to the promised land. God does not leave them hanging, but He sees them through. 3. We have nothing to be ashamed of.. The past is the past,  Gods word says, forgetting those things behind me I press on…I reach forth… Basically, we keep going! God is about to bring you to a higher ground!

Whether you are in the middle of what feels like a 40yr wilderness journey , or you maybe so close, can see what God has promised you and yet you have to sit outside and wait before you can reach it. Know this …. That today, whatever your wilderness, whatever your Promised Land whatever your battle… God will provide, He will see you through to the other side and you WILL come out victorious! You are a priceless, valuable treasure to God and He loves you.

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9


My Adoption Story

39609_10150276503510487_5331943_n  My Adoption Story

The phone rang and my husband answered it, only because he was the first one to the phone. You see for the last week I had been running to the phone each time it rang. Not because I wanted to answer it. But because I was checking the caller ID, You see I knew there was no way I was answering the phone if it was a unknown number. Because I was so afraid it was my birth mother on the other end. Although I had looked for her and now found her. I was scared to death of what would happen when I heard her voice on the other end of that phone for the very first time. But it was there and now what was I to do……..?  But before I share what happened in that conversation, perhaps I should start the story from the beginning.

I was 16yrs old sitting in the living room home of a long time family friend. My Father was in St Francis Hospital in Wichita KS and was being prepped to have open heart surgery the very next morning. I was sitting on the floor in front of my mother and our long time family friend Thelma. I was wishing there was some way I could contact my fiance who was stationed in the Philippines  serving the USAF at the time. As my Mother and Thelma talked some subject came up (I do not even remember now what it was)  that compelled me to ask the question ” Am I adopted?”

You see there was something down deep inside of me that had questioned my birth. Was it the fact my mother had Polio when she was 12 and had a severe “S” curve of the spine or that there were no pictures of my mother pregnant with me or the fact whenever they talked about me being born my parents always used the phrase “when we got you”?

My mother responded to the question “We will talk about it later” and I responded back “NO! we will talk about it now or I will find someone in this town who will.” Then the words that would change my life forever came out of her mouth. “Yes you are adopted”

Suddenly, it was if the last 16 yrs of my life had been a lie. How could I trust the people that had lied to me for 16 yrs? Was my whole life a lie? My mother tried to explain the details that lead to my birth and ultimate adoption, along with the reasons my parents had chosen to never tell me,  but none of that really matter right now. All I could think of was ” My life was a lie”

As I begin to get ready for bed that night I went through a gamut of emotions because of the news I had just heard and I cried out to God “WHY”.  It was as if at that very moment God himself spoke to me and said ” Haven’t you been taught all your life that I have you in the palm of my hand” “That not one things comes to you that does not go through me first.” He was right, You see I had been taught that and so much more, my parents were ministers and all I ever knew were the things of the Lord I cut my teeth on the pews and had accepted Him as my personal savior at age of 5. I trusted Him with my life then and this was no different. You see He reminded me of that, He had known me before I was even born just as Jeremiah 1:5 Says: “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose. I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations.”

He reminded me that night that there was a purpose for my life and He has rescued me for something special.

I rested in that fact and decided that night that I had a mother and a father that loved me very much and I would never need to know my birth family. Because God had given me all that I needed.

For almost 15yrs I rested in that fact…. Until I had our second child and she was born with a a birth defect called cystic-hygroma. This is a pocket of fluid that does not dissolve as the child is formed in the womb. The pocket of fluid can end up anywhere on the child’s body and for our little girl it ended up on her right cheek. Living in a smaller western Kansas town at the time it took us 18 months before we found a doctor that could tell us what it was.

Then came our second son who was born without a toenail on his second toe. Being the mother I am I begin to wonder if there was something in my unknown medical history that could cause even bigger problems for my children down the road.

It was about 2yrs later the phone rang and on the other end of it was my Aunt Twyla she told me “Alesa, I do not know how you feel about this but I have a friend who gave twins up for adoption when they were born and they have just found her. Apparently the adoption records in the state of Kansas are open and if you want to find out any information about your birth family she has given me a copy of the form for you to send in”. I thanked her and explained I thought that might be a good idea simply to know medical history.

I sent in the information the state requested along with the form and waited. A few weeks later I received a packet in the mail with my birth records there was no medical history to explain our issues but there was a phone number for what would have been my birth mothers brother on it. My family was busy getting ready to move to De Soto KS. so I laid the packet down and ignored it. I did notice the address of the town he lived in it was Richmond KS.  But I lived in Iola KS now. Where in the world was Richmond KS.???

A few days later I picked up the packet and called my friend in Mississippi. She had begged me for years to find my birth family but I had always put her off, with the announcement that I had received information on them even with a phone number she as elated and I was just plain scared. She immediately asked me for the number place me on 3 way calling and begin to dial it. I panicked. What!!! Oh know what would I say??? Thankfully there was no answer but my best friend assured me that she would continue to try to call him and find out all she could and get back to me as soon as she knew something.  We agreed if they did not want anything to do with me she would never speak of it and I would never ask her.

It was about 2 weeks later as we were moving into our new home in De Soto when the phone rang and it was Jackie my friend from Mississippi on the other end I will never forget the words she said ” Alesa you have a Uncle, Sister and Brother who would very much like to meet you” I was overwhelmed, amazed, scared and ecstatic all at the same time. She gave me phone numbers of how to contact them and I found out that my birth mother was basically estranged from this side of the family she had not been around in several years and frankly there were some very hard feelings going on between them all.

After several hours on the phone with my sister daily for several weeks. I met my brother, sister and uncle a few weeks later which for times sake I will postpone telling that portion of the story for now. A few months after that was the phone call that I had been so long replaying in my head of what I would say and what I had hoped she would say. None of it now seemed to come out of my lips. When I heard her say I think I am your mother….  As my birth mother and I begin to get to know each other she asked the question I had hoped she would never have to ask me. When is your birthday? I had hoped if there was nothing else we had in common we would have that day in common, if nothing else she would remember me on that day if only that day each year. But she didn’t and I had to choose to let that go, because this was not about me, as God unfolded His plan before me I saw in His infinite wisdom He had rescued me from this home where there was alcohol and psychical abuse. To a home where I would never know of such things. A home from financial struggles to home where I would never want for anything.  Yes, God knew and He still knows today. Through my life experiences I realized that although man has failed me many times, My family has even failed me. My God has never failed me. Although, what I go through sometimes are not easy and I do not understand I know I do not walk alone in this life but I have Him to see me through and He has each and every time!

Just weeks after our meeting my birth mother became a Christ follower and gave up drinking. Her marriage has turned around and her life is changed. We talk weekly and sometimes daily on the phone.

I have been so privilege to now know not only my birth mother, brother and sister but a whole slew of cousins and aunts, uncles.  You see God has restored relationships in this family since I have joined just about 7 yrs ago now. I was extremely honored just last year to plan a family reunion where we had over 50 family members attend and for the first time they sung Happy Birthday to me as a family.

Now, not everything is perfect. Since the reunion of my birth mother and myself. My sister has distanced herself from me. I have made mistakes in these relationships but all I can do is trust God and thank Him everyday for what I do have and pray he will give me wisdom for the future and another chance to show His love.

Oh! and by the way, Just in case you did not know Richmond KS it is 37 miles north of Iola on Hwy 59. My uncles house sits right on Hwy 59 and I had passed by it a million times going to Kansas City….. and all of my birth family were born with all their toe nails and they have never heard of a Cystic-Hygroma.

So, I encourage you, if you have been checking out these claims of Christ and just unsure if this whole things is real, do not let pass by God today. He is standing right there waiting. God loves you just as much as he loves me and if he cared enough for me to pull me out of unfortunate circumstances just so I could be raised in a home that followed Him, only to turn around and take all that I had learned about Him back to those who did not know Him. How much more does He love you! Although your life may not of been perfect He has brought you through this to raise you up for a higher plan than your own. It is only when we go through the difficult times we can know the unfailing love of our heavenly father. Won’t you just trust him today?

Alesa Miller